Saturday, July 2, 2005

So I'm a bit bummed about not being able to have my server host this blog. They said it had something to do with their whole system needing to be changed and they weren't intent on doing anything so here we are. Blah.

Anyway, a friend of mine was bugging me about posting more so I'll make more of an effort to do so. I guess I became discouraged when I started getting e-mails and message board posts from my father that made me reluctant. I suppose I should fill you in on some of this in case you're confused. My father is a deadbeat. He's incredibly self centered, unreliable and devoid of compassion. Sociopathic is the word I think I'm grabbing for here. He took off when I was 17 to go shack up with a hair dresser and a gaggle of foster kids. He gave no support whatsoever to myself or my sister. He promised to help at every turn and very patiently, we waited for that support which never came. In my mid twenties I attempted to patch things up with him but again I was left overwhelmingly disappointed when promise after promise went up in smoke. My sister was nearly bankrupted as a result.

I no longer have a relationship with him. I feel it's for the best because not only is there the unreliable factor involved, he's just a complete stranger to me now and I have no desire to get to know him again. I get these notes from him from time to time and they just make me so angry because he makes these statements of being so proud of my accomplishments which to me feels like he's laying claim on them somehow, like he had a part in who I am now which would be laughable if it weren't so outrageous.

Knowing that he was visiting my site and reading my posts made me want to take it back, to tell him "No, you can't have this, it's mine and I share it only with my family and friends". I tried solving this problem the wrong way, I kept the things I wanted to share just so I could keep him from living vicariously through this site. Well fuck that. It's my life and I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about cool news on the Y front, about things I find online, about my life and my family and my friends. But first I have to lay this down: Everything I've achieved happened despite my father. I learned to break out of some awful cycles simply because I did not want to end up like him and I did that by doing the exact opposite of what he did. I chose the life I wanted. I made a plan. I stuck with it. I jumped at the opportunities when they presented themselves. I didn't bail when I got bored or frustrated or angry. I kept my promises. When I screw up I do my best to fix it.

That's how you find happiness. It's really quite simple.

And now on to my blog...

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